On the plus side, I have a wedding in the works (although you can put that in the negative column as well, since we've been running into so many problems), I'm almost done with law school, and I'm overall pretty satisfied with life- oh, and I started going to daily Mass- let's hope that sticks.

On the minus side, I have not recovered from my miscarriage (emotionally) nearly as well as I thought I would. Every time I find out a friend is pregnant (which is about every 2 weeks) I feel a stabbing pain that just won't go away. And my doctor did all the testing he could and I got my last lab results back and there's no evidence of autoimmune or clotting problems. There's no evidence of ANY problems. I lost a baby in the second trimester- it happens in less than 1% of pregnancies- and no one can tell me why. If I were a saint, I wouldn't need closure. I try to just accept it as God's will and look ahead to the future, but it's kind of a bummer that any pregnancy I ever have for the rest of my life will be classified "high risk." I wanted (and still do!!!) a dozen children- maybe more! But as I watch everyone around me have healthy pregnancies and probably take for granted the common belief that once you get past your 1st trimester you're out of the woods (I'm never falling for THAT one again), it dawns on me anew, like a sickly fever, that maybe I have been singled out to lose children before I can even hold them. That might be my lot in life and I can't imagine a lot I'm less suited for. I can't help but wonder, when se new moms around me, why does God want HER to have a baby and not me? It would be one thing if I never got pregnant in the first place, but if He gave me a baby, why take her away so soon? Why do those babies get to live and not mine? I had a strong, strong fear, during the 4 months I carried that baby (and the fifth month, when I carried her lifeless body) that something would go wrong....
Well I'm just rambling now, but let this be a lesson to you, because I didn't know till it happened to me: miscarriage is not something you "get over." So if you know someone who's had one, don't ever think she's stopped grieving. The mothers on my miscarriage support board voice a constant theme- people assume that just because your baby wasn't born alive that your grief should cease soon after, and so many mothers end up having to grieve alone, which makes it so much worse.
I'm luckier than many, since I have at least a couple people who still ask me how I'm doing and have some inkling of how isolating it is to constantly see successful pregnancies. But I still need some sort of outlet where I can say whatever I want about my baby and my fears and hopes for the next ones. So maybe that's what my blog will become.