Merry Christmas to all- I got exactly what I wanted- a big ol' 61 key keyboard so I can teach myself piano without driving everyone out of the student lounge. Unfortunately I also got a spasming cramp in my back from leaning over it for 6 hours. I have this theory where I don't want to start on the piddly crap like chopsticks. I got a book full of sheet music from Debussey (it didn't have my favorite, Sunken Cathedral, but it did have Clair deLune, which is dear to me for obvious reasons, and a nice little song called Le Petit Negre, or, The Cakewalk. I wish I knew how it got those names.) and so I plunged right in. It took me about 5 minutes to figure out where to put my fingers for the 6 simultaneous notes that began Sarabande, but it sounded so good (that first beat, I mean) that I almost didn't mind that there was no way in hell I'd be able to play the next beat without having to untangle my fingers and spend another 5 minutes studying how I should tangle them up again. It was like my fingers were playing a very competitive game of naked twister. But I'm the kind of person who gets ecstatic with every success, like a child, so I'm not too afraid of getting discouraged and throwing my lil piano across the room. It's got the coolest features for when I get bored of the high brow stuff.
Monday, December 27, 2004
Friday, December 17, 2004
I finally saw Mel Gibson's Hamlet. Unfortunately I bought it before seeing it. Now, I apologize for what I'm about to say; I wasn't raised to use such crass language, especially in print, but there's no way around it. It SUCKS! SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS! Gibson was ok, & I love Paul Schofield. It should have been a good movie- it had a good cast. But it SUCKED! Go ahead and disagree with me; I'll be ready. Ess-you-see-kay SUCK!
Monday, December 13, 2004
The Rest
"As surely as the Earth is not the center of the universe, that the flaming ball of gas that sustains us is not Divine, there is no black and white distinction to definitively separates male from female. I see that as beautiful and amazing, and I label laughably ignorant our persistent subscription to our inaccurate categorization of gender as intrinsic substance rather than characteristic accident. I further reject the notion that instances of ambiguous gender are actually the shameful and regrettable result of Sin. Since gender is the result of the _expression of a combination of complex genetic signals, it cannot be an Is or Is Not like we have been raised to believe, and on which we base the infallible doctrine of requirements for the priesthood. And since that infallible doctrine is founded on a misunderstanding about the essence of gender, how can it stand? And ultimately, how can any infallible doctrine be so unquestionable?
"As I continue to learn about this universe and the life within it, my notions of religion and God begin to melt away. How can I profess to be so damn certain that there is an afterlife at all, much less that there are precisely three possible destinations in that assured afterlife, and that my destination is determined by a detailed list of Do’s and Don’ts categorized quite neatly into mortal and venial sin? Isn’t it patently absurd to believe that the master author of this breathtaking universe of unfathomable complexity and grandeur would bother with laws that prohibit humans from eating meat at certain intervals of their tiny planet’s rotation around its insignificant sun? Or to profess to be certain that the penalty for breaking such a law is an eternity in some hell? As another example, we have infallible doctrine that lists specific humans who have certainly achieved eternal paradise and declares that we can invoke them to help us do the same. What arrogance and self-importance to claim to have reached such masterful understanding of the cosmos and its Cause! It is more likely that the Church is a making of our own curious minds; to make sense of the world with the best of our ability, to comfort our inadequate selves, to address our innate desires to feel central and important, significant and eternal. To create an impervious, unquestionable authority from which to try to see that justice and fairness are executed, however we determine such things to be.
"And so, I have stopped allowing myself to feel guilt over not experiencing anything spectacular or supernatural when I went to mass. In fact, I have stopped going altogether and, for the first time, do not fear that eternal misery may be the consequence. In openly admitting that I have failed to find a way to pacify my spirit by living as a professed member of the Church, I have found freedom and closure and relief. It has taken exhausting courage and effort to reach this part of my own continuing journey. In breaking from the Church, I am rejected by my family as lost, ill, the victim of some secular mind-poison, the prey of Satan, a pitiable loss and even a danger to my children. Alex says I am disloyal. Mother undoubtedly thinks I have conjured up a new level of rationalization and justification for my own disgusting sinfulness. But I see it differently.
"I uncomfortably face the prospect that this may very well be the only life I have to live- that my existence here- a relative fraction of a flash in the story of creation- is quite possibly finite and fleeting. And if it is not, I cannot reasonably bring myself to conclude that whatever comes after this approximates what we arrogantly profess to have practically mapped out. And so, in spite of the possible result – the destruction of my immortal soul- I reject what has been drilled into me by my catechization and I choose to begin anew. I will spend my life, what time I have, in pursuit of truth and understanding, without the crutch or perceived comfort of relying in Faith on what those before me have professed as Revelation. I will not live my tiny life in personal sacrifice and misery as Mother has, remaining committed in marriage to someone whom I do not love, respect, or desire to be around, just because I was too afraid and weak to stand up and refuse to marry him in the first place. I will not throw the rest of my life away in hopes of achieving some eternal reward for my selfless sacrifice. I reject what I have been taught by example: to go to Church faithfully, and then leave seething and festering with hate and condemnation for the filthy people who brought guitars and tambourines into God’s house or allowed their little girls to participate in certain roles within our contrived traditional ceremonies. I choose something different- and honestly, I don’t know what that something is yet, just that it is not what I have been going through the motions, pretending, for such a tiresomely long time now.
"This is not the exhaustive enumeration of my arguments for what has you all so frightened for me, rather a sampling that I hope will help you begin to understand, at least in part, the reason for my choices. I have others, in various stages of consciousness; some I am not yet able to articulate clearly, formulate tangibly, or test reasonably.
"I find comfort knowing that I am not alone. I read some lines from Emily Dickinson that ring so true for me that I had to jot them down. They eloquently say exactly what I feel but am, so far, unable to convey in a sensible way myself.
“The Christian who longs too keenly for heaven must reject the living world that keeps him from heaven. Such a Christian welcomes death, and in doing so, cultivates dying a little every day. “ Emily saw mankind’s identity and achievements as “insignificant specks in the great whirling cloud of the solar systems.” I think that closer to the truth that the alternative, that which I have been brought up to believe."
So, what can one do? I very much love the person who wrote this, and I can address every point raised, but still, I might never make a dent.
"As I continue to learn about this universe and the life within it, my notions of religion and God begin to melt away. How can I profess to be so damn certain that there is an afterlife at all, much less that there are precisely three possible destinations in that assured afterlife, and that my destination is determined by a detailed list of Do’s and Don’ts categorized quite neatly into mortal and venial sin? Isn’t it patently absurd to believe that the master author of this breathtaking universe of unfathomable complexity and grandeur would bother with laws that prohibit humans from eating meat at certain intervals of their tiny planet’s rotation around its insignificant sun? Or to profess to be certain that the penalty for breaking such a law is an eternity in some hell? As another example, we have infallible doctrine that lists specific humans who have certainly achieved eternal paradise and declares that we can invoke them to help us do the same. What arrogance and self-importance to claim to have reached such masterful understanding of the cosmos and its Cause! It is more likely that the Church is a making of our own curious minds; to make sense of the world with the best of our ability, to comfort our inadequate selves, to address our innate desires to feel central and important, significant and eternal. To create an impervious, unquestionable authority from which to try to see that justice and fairness are executed, however we determine such things to be.
"And so, I have stopped allowing myself to feel guilt over not experiencing anything spectacular or supernatural when I went to mass. In fact, I have stopped going altogether and, for the first time, do not fear that eternal misery may be the consequence. In openly admitting that I have failed to find a way to pacify my spirit by living as a professed member of the Church, I have found freedom and closure and relief. It has taken exhausting courage and effort to reach this part of my own continuing journey. In breaking from the Church, I am rejected by my family as lost, ill, the victim of some secular mind-poison, the prey of Satan, a pitiable loss and even a danger to my children. Alex says I am disloyal. Mother undoubtedly thinks I have conjured up a new level of rationalization and justification for my own disgusting sinfulness. But I see it differently.
"I uncomfortably face the prospect that this may very well be the only life I have to live- that my existence here- a relative fraction of a flash in the story of creation- is quite possibly finite and fleeting. And if it is not, I cannot reasonably bring myself to conclude that whatever comes after this approximates what we arrogantly profess to have practically mapped out. And so, in spite of the possible result – the destruction of my immortal soul- I reject what has been drilled into me by my catechization and I choose to begin anew. I will spend my life, what time I have, in pursuit of truth and understanding, without the crutch or perceived comfort of relying in Faith on what those before me have professed as Revelation. I will not live my tiny life in personal sacrifice and misery as Mother has, remaining committed in marriage to someone whom I do not love, respect, or desire to be around, just because I was too afraid and weak to stand up and refuse to marry him in the first place. I will not throw the rest of my life away in hopes of achieving some eternal reward for my selfless sacrifice. I reject what I have been taught by example: to go to Church faithfully, and then leave seething and festering with hate and condemnation for the filthy people who brought guitars and tambourines into God’s house or allowed their little girls to participate in certain roles within our contrived traditional ceremonies. I choose something different- and honestly, I don’t know what that something is yet, just that it is not what I have been going through the motions, pretending, for such a tiresomely long time now.
"This is not the exhaustive enumeration of my arguments for what has you all so frightened for me, rather a sampling that I hope will help you begin to understand, at least in part, the reason for my choices. I have others, in various stages of consciousness; some I am not yet able to articulate clearly, formulate tangibly, or test reasonably.
"I find comfort knowing that I am not alone. I read some lines from Emily Dickinson that ring so true for me that I had to jot them down. They eloquently say exactly what I feel but am, so far, unable to convey in a sensible way myself.
“The Christian who longs too keenly for heaven must reject the living world that keeps him from heaven. Such a Christian welcomes death, and in doing so, cultivates dying a little every day. “ Emily saw mankind’s identity and achievements as “insignificant specks in the great whirling cloud of the solar systems.” I think that closer to the truth that the alternative, that which I have been brought up to believe."
So, what can one do? I very much love the person who wrote this, and I can address every point raised, but still, I might never make a dent.
Saturday, December 11, 2004
A Letter
"As I study molecular biology, I marvel at the chemical code that drives the mechanics of every living cell. I watch in amazement as a four letter alphabet of ATCGs instructs cells to produce the tens of thousands of unique proteins that make us alive. I read about the recent discoveries of sulfur-based life in the thermal vents on the ocean floor that revolutionize our very definition of life. The practical inevitability of soon finding water and microbial life on one of Jupiter's moons, and fossils on at least one of the dried ocean beds of Mars: these are the tangible facts that excite my curiosity and vitalize me in indescribable ways. I consider that it has been in the relative blink of an eye that humanity has gone from just a tiny nomadic group venturing out of the African plains to populate this tiny planet in an unfathomably vast universe. I read journals about the analysis of mitochondrial DNA that carry in its sequence the maternal lineage of humanity itself in its brief existence here. It might as well haev been just last week that we worshipped the sun, that wondrous, inexplicable life-force in the sky on which we were dependant for survival and went to great lengths to placate. That distant ball of explosive gas was our God, and Earth was the center of all of creation.
"I cannot articulate the wonder and amazement I feel when I contemplate all the complexity and beauty and brilliance I see as I study creation both on the atomic level as well as in the scope of light years' distance. Everything I was raised to believe begins to disintegrate, until only one precept remains. There is a Cause; something brilliant and worthy of worship behind all that I see. I feel ecstatically close to It when I watch through a microscope as enzymes flawlessly replicate a sequence of millions of genetic letters to allow one tiny cell, human or bacteria alike, to grow and persist in its struggle for order in a universe characterized by increasing entropy. A thrill of wonder and adoration of this Cause races through me the first time I understand that time really is relative, and my previous understanding of the sensible world must be completely upheaved and reorganized to satisfy the implications of that truth, just as with discovery that the earth is not the center of all, and that the sun is not God. The conclusion i reach is this: I am not willing to subscribe to a religion, Catholic or otherwise, that professes with such ludicrous certainty, to have the Cause figured out to the degree that they do. My world view has been completely reordered as I have to incorporate the amazing facts I have encountered through observation and study, and my already precarious Faith did not survive the reordering.
"As one example: I remember learning about "substance" versus "accident" in terms of some theologian's (Aquinas?) explanation of Transubstantiation. The substance of the host was the essence of Divinity, the accidents were the physical appearance and sensible characteristics of bread and water. These concepts of substance and ccidents are also applied to our definitions of ourselves. Our gender is part of our substance, not an accidental quality like hair color. This concept of gender as substantial rather than accidental is inherent to the infallible doctrine of prohibiting women from the priesthood. But on a genetic level, I have learned that gender is absolutely as accidental as hair color, only a bit more chemically complex in its determination. Gender is nothing more than an expression of a combination of genes. The first cause the exact same developing sex organs to either remain in the bocy and act as ovaries, or to descend outward to be named testes. Then hundreds of other genes that code for hundreds of unique proteins must be individually turned on and off in perfect concert to induce specific chemical signals that cause all the secondary sex characteristics to phenotypically express themselves. Individuals can and do end up landing anywhere on a chemical spectrum that determines whether they are more male or female, depending entirely on variables like which protein hormones get made, at what concentration, and at what stage of development. Granted, the vast majority of us develop in such a way as to end up safely ans unmistakably at one extreme of that spectrum, but what about the rest?
"And so, the reality is revealed: God did not simply make us male or female. It only appeared that way to our best sensibilities until recently. Now we can see that the truth is much more beautiful and complex than that. There are humans all over the spectrum, including some right in the middle who are anatomically both male and female. Are we too embarrassed by this and show Christian sympathy for those individuals, while trusting that the Almighy had a reason for making this "mistake"; this failure to create within the parameters that we have drfined as normal and right? I am taught to recognize such "deformity" as a cosmic consequence of original sin, as is all suffering and deformity."
More of this letter later. I'll also explain why I'm posting it.
"I cannot articulate the wonder and amazement I feel when I contemplate all the complexity and beauty and brilliance I see as I study creation both on the atomic level as well as in the scope of light years' distance. Everything I was raised to believe begins to disintegrate, until only one precept remains. There is a Cause; something brilliant and worthy of worship behind all that I see. I feel ecstatically close to It when I watch through a microscope as enzymes flawlessly replicate a sequence of millions of genetic letters to allow one tiny cell, human or bacteria alike, to grow and persist in its struggle for order in a universe characterized by increasing entropy. A thrill of wonder and adoration of this Cause races through me the first time I understand that time really is relative, and my previous understanding of the sensible world must be completely upheaved and reorganized to satisfy the implications of that truth, just as with discovery that the earth is not the center of all, and that the sun is not God. The conclusion i reach is this: I am not willing to subscribe to a religion, Catholic or otherwise, that professes with such ludicrous certainty, to have the Cause figured out to the degree that they do. My world view has been completely reordered as I have to incorporate the amazing facts I have encountered through observation and study, and my already precarious Faith did not survive the reordering.
"As one example: I remember learning about "substance" versus "accident" in terms of some theologian's (Aquinas?) explanation of Transubstantiation. The substance of the host was the essence of Divinity, the accidents were the physical appearance and sensible characteristics of bread and water. These concepts of substance and ccidents are also applied to our definitions of ourselves. Our gender is part of our substance, not an accidental quality like hair color. This concept of gender as substantial rather than accidental is inherent to the infallible doctrine of prohibiting women from the priesthood. But on a genetic level, I have learned that gender is absolutely as accidental as hair color, only a bit more chemically complex in its determination. Gender is nothing more than an expression of a combination of genes. The first cause the exact same developing sex organs to either remain in the bocy and act as ovaries, or to descend outward to be named testes. Then hundreds of other genes that code for hundreds of unique proteins must be individually turned on and off in perfect concert to induce specific chemical signals that cause all the secondary sex characteristics to phenotypically express themselves. Individuals can and do end up landing anywhere on a chemical spectrum that determines whether they are more male or female, depending entirely on variables like which protein hormones get made, at what concentration, and at what stage of development. Granted, the vast majority of us develop in such a way as to end up safely ans unmistakably at one extreme of that spectrum, but what about the rest?
"And so, the reality is revealed: God did not simply make us male or female. It only appeared that way to our best sensibilities until recently. Now we can see that the truth is much more beautiful and complex than that. There are humans all over the spectrum, including some right in the middle who are anatomically both male and female. Are we too embarrassed by this and show Christian sympathy for those individuals, while trusting that the Almighy had a reason for making this "mistake"; this failure to create within the parameters that we have drfined as normal and right? I am taught to recognize such "deformity" as a cosmic consequence of original sin, as is all suffering and deformity."
More of this letter later. I'll also explain why I'm posting it.
Sunday, December 05, 2004
Where does it end?
Neteroneous called me Thursday night to tell me he was in the area (in fact he had never been east of Arizona till this past week) so since I had Friday off we spent the day whizzing around DC, trying to get in some of the sights. Mostly I just got us lost. Ah, tradition. We went to a lecture @ CUA given by Alistair McIntyre (now that's a name!) and when the lecture ended, out flooded TAC grads! Everywhere! Jamie Spiering, Vic Vincent, Pat Bissex, Wink! Neteroneous & Bissex were getting into a critique of the various Thomists here and I, impatient to get to the Dubliner and settle into a tall foamy beer, picked up on pieces of the conversation and said, somewhat sarcastically, "I didn't even know there were different schools of Thomistic interpretation." Pat looked a little at a loss for words, and Neteroneous looked at me mischeviously and said, "That's because they only teach you one kind at TAC." Hmm.... sheltered at TAC from... other Thomists...
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
Go ahead. Give your neurosis a name.
Gamophobia Fear of marriage
Rhytiphobia " " getting wrinkles
Arachibutyrophobia (a personal favorite) '' " peanut butter stuck to the roof of one's mouth
Homilophobia " " sermons
Onomatophobia " " hearing certain words
Ephebiphobia " " teenagers
Genuphobia " " knees
Necrophobia " " death
Scoleciphobia " " worms
Anuptaphobia " " staying single (wow I guess it would suck to be gamophobic and anuptaphoic)
Myxophobia " " slime
Amychophobia " " getting scratched
Chionophobia " " snow. Oh come on!
Novercaphobia " " one's stepmother
Coulrophobia " " clowns.
Rhytiphobia " " getting wrinkles
Arachibutyrophobia (a personal favorite) '' " peanut butter stuck to the roof of one's mouth
Homilophobia " " sermons
Onomatophobia " " hearing certain words
Ephebiphobia " " teenagers
Genuphobia " " knees
Necrophobia " " death
Scoleciphobia " " worms
Anuptaphobia " " staying single (wow I guess it would suck to be gamophobic and anuptaphoic)
Myxophobia " " slime
Amychophobia " " getting scratched
Chionophobia " " snow. Oh come on!
Novercaphobia " " one's stepmother
Coulrophobia " " clowns.
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