The Rest

"As surely as the Earth is not the center of the universe, that the flaming ball of gas that sustains us is not Divine, there is no black and white distinction to definitively separates male from female. I see that as beautiful and amazing, and I label laughably ignorant our persistent subscription to our inaccurate categorization of gender as intrinsic substance rather than characteristic accident. I further reject the notion that instances of ambiguous gender are actually the shameful and regrettable result of Sin. Since gender is the result of the _expression of a combination of complex genetic signals, it cannot be an Is or Is Not like we have been raised to believe, and on which we base the infallible doctrine of requirements for the priesthood. And since that infallible doctrine is founded on a misunderstanding about the essence of gender, how can it stand? And ultimately, how can any infallible doctrine be so unquestionable?

"As I continue to learn about this universe and the life within it, my notions of religion and God begin to melt away. How can I profess to be so damn certain that there is an afterlife at all, much less that there are precisely three possible destinations in that assured afterlife, and that my destination is determined by a detailed list of Do’s and Don’ts categorized quite neatly into mortal and venial sin? Isn’t it patently absurd to believe that the master author of this breathtaking universe of unfathomable complexity and grandeur would bother with laws that prohibit humans from eating meat at certain intervals of their tiny planet’s rotation around its insignificant sun? Or to profess to be certain that the penalty for breaking such a law is an eternity in some hell? As another example, we have infallible doctrine that lists specific humans who have certainly achieved eternal paradise and declares that we can invoke them to help us do the same. What arrogance and self-importance to claim to have reached such masterful understanding of the cosmos and its Cause! It is more likely that the Church is a making of our own curious minds; to make sense of the world with the best of our ability, to comfort our inadequate selves, to address our innate desires to feel central and important, significant and eternal. To create an impervious, unquestionable authority from which to try to see that justice and fairness are executed, however we determine such things to be.

"And so, I have stopped allowing myself to feel guilt over not experiencing anything spectacular or supernatural when I went to mass. In fact, I have stopped going altogether and, for the first time, do not fear that eternal misery may be the consequence. In openly admitting that I have failed to find a way to pacify my spirit by living as a professed member of the Church, I have found freedom and closure and relief. It has taken exhausting courage and effort to reach this part of my own continuing journey. In breaking from the Church, I am rejected by my family as lost, ill, the victim of some secular mind-poison, the prey of Satan, a pitiable loss and even a danger to my children. Alex says I am disloyal. Mother undoubtedly thinks I have conjured up a new level of rationalization and justification for my own disgusting sinfulness. But I see it differently.

"I uncomfortably face the prospect that this may very well be the only life I have to live- that my existence here- a relative fraction of a flash in the story of creation- is quite possibly finite and fleeting. And if it is not, I cannot reasonably bring myself to conclude that whatever comes after this approximates what we arrogantly profess to have practically mapped out. And so, in spite of the possible result – the destruction of my immortal soul- I reject what has been drilled into me by my catechization and I choose to begin anew. I will spend my life, what time I have, in pursuit of truth and understanding, without the crutch or perceived comfort of relying in Faith on what those before me have professed as Revelation. I will not live my tiny life in personal sacrifice and misery as Mother has, remaining committed in marriage to someone whom I do not love, respect, or desire to be around, just because I was too afraid and weak to stand up and refuse to marry him in the first place. I will not throw the rest of my life away in hopes of achieving some eternal reward for my selfless sacrifice. I reject what I have been taught by example: to go to Church faithfully, and then leave seething and festering with hate and condemnation for the filthy people who brought guitars and tambourines into God’s house or allowed their little girls to participate in certain roles within our contrived traditional ceremonies. I choose something different- and honestly, I don’t know what that something is yet, just that it is not what I have been going through the motions, pretending, for such a tiresomely long time now.

"This is not the exhaustive enumeration of my arguments for what has you all so frightened for me, rather a sampling that I hope will help you begin to understand, at least in part, the reason for my choices. I have others, in various stages of consciousness; some I am not yet able to articulate clearly, formulate tangibly, or test reasonably.

"I find comfort knowing that I am not alone. I read some lines from Emily Dickinson that ring so true for me that I had to jot them down. They eloquently say exactly what I feel but am, so far, unable to convey in a sensible way myself.
“The Christian who longs too keenly for heaven must reject the living world that keeps him from heaven. Such a Christian welcomes death, and in doing so, cultivates dying a little every day. “ Emily saw mankind’s identity and achievements as “insignificant specks in the great whirling cloud of the solar systems.” I think that closer to the truth that the alternative, that which I have been brought up to believe."

So, what can one do? I very much love the person who wrote this, and I can address every point raised, but still, I might never make a dent.