SomethingInMyEye

Newsweek Stillbirth article

2009-02-01T13:39:00.000-08:00

http://www.newsweek.com/id/182572

It's kinda weird that they mention northern VA & Ann Arbor- my two homes!

It's nice to see some media attention on the topic; as I said in my last post, losing your baby before she's born is such an awful experience and I don't think people are really aware of it, or how common it is, even in the U.S. I've talked with so many moms online who have all had top-notch medical care, like me, and they lost their babies with no warning and are left with no explanation. Imagine being told that your newborn or toddler died suddenly and no on can tell you why. It's not really that different. Once you've seen your baby squirm around on the monitor, heard her heartbeat, and felt her little movements, you can't just shrug off losing her.

2009-01-29T17:13:00.000-08:00

On the plus side, I have a wedding in the works (although you can put that in the negative column as well, since we've been running into so many problems), I'm almost done with law school, and I'm overall pretty satisfied with life- oh, and I started going to daily Mass- let's hope that sticks.

On the minus side, I have not recovered from my miscarriage (emotionally) nearly as well as I thought I would. Every time I find out a friend is pregnant (which is about every 2 weeks) I feel a stabbing pain that just won't go away. And my doctor did all the testing he could and I got my last lab results back and there's no evidence of autoimmune or clotting problems. There's no evidence of ANY problems. I lost a baby in the second trimester- it happens in less than 1% of pregnancies- and no one can tell me why. If I were a saint, I wouldn't need closure. I try to just accept it as God's will and look ahead to the future, but it's kind of a bummer that any pregnancy I ever have for the rest of my life will be classified "high risk." I wanted (and still do!!!) a dozen children- maybe more! But as I watch everyone around me have healthy pregnancies and probably take for granted the common belief that once you get past your 1st trimester you're out of the woods (I'm never falling for THAT one again), it dawns on me anew, like a sickly fever, that maybe I have been singled out to lose children before I can even hold them. That might be my lot in life and I can't imagine a lot I'm less suited for. I can't help but wonder, when se new moms around me, why does God want HER to have a baby and not me? It would be one thing if I never got pregnant in the first place, but if He gave me a baby, why take her away so soon? Why do those babies get to live and not mine? I had a strong, strong fear, during the 4 months I carried that baby (and the fifth month, when I carried her lifeless body) that something would go wrong....
Well I'm just rambling now, but let this be a lesson to you, because I didn't know till it happened to me: miscarriage is not something you "get over." So if you know someone who's had one, don't ever think she's stopped grieving. The mothers on my miscarriage support board voice a constant theme- people assume that just because your baby wasn't born alive that your grief should cease soon after, and so many mothers end up having to grieve alone, which makes it so much worse.
I'm luckier than many, since I have at least a couple people who still ask me how I'm doing and have some inkling of how isolating it is to constantly see successful pregnancies. But I still need some sort of outlet where I can say whatever I want about my baby and my fears and hopes for the next ones. So maybe that's what my blog will become.

2008-11-24T10:45:00.001-08:00

Click below to read a very funny story about a man who tried (very hard) to pay his utility bill with a drawing of a spider.

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=665847

2008-11-10T16:07:00.001-08:00

Friday nights and Silk cuts
Spilled espresso grounds
Echoes from the mountains
Stillness all around

Santa Anas, smoke rings
Distant piano keys
And on any given bench you’ll find
A dog-eared Thucydides

Brogues and bohrans both
Out only once a week
Stand closer to the fire
I want to watch you speak

Et in Arcadia ego
Et in Arcadia tu
You might have guessed it all would end
But I’m glad I never knew.

Lip My Stocking!

2008-09-22T15:31:00.001-07:00

So I've been looking at cheap wedding dress sites, and i found one called light in the box, and I realized that everything's from China and then I read a customer testimonial. It was from a guy named "ray," apparently from the U.S., since there was a little American flag next to his name. This is what he had to say about this wholesale merchandise website.

"i received this phone about 1 week ago. and i showed it to many friends of me. when they look at it, they thought it's a pack of cigarettes, but then i let them know it actually is a phone, they laughed a lot . it has kind of feeling like that shoe phone in that movie GET SMART. so as a funny thing i think i like it."

But wait- there's more!

Diana Aguirre from Tennessee apparently said: "So fast shipping and excellent service.”

Darren Ennis from the UK says: “Excellent value for money & very fast delivery considering it came from china - very recommended.”

Someone from Canada said: “great oparator it help me a lot on thinks that I wanted to know”

Hmmmm..... I think I'll go back to combing through ebay's selections now....

It Figures....

2008-09-16T11:03:00.000-07:00

... that the class I'm doing the best in is the one I had opted to do pass/fail.

Heat

2008-08-28T12:29:00.000-07:00

Ok, call me a nutjob, but when I heard this on the radio (I have no CD player, much less MP3) on Sunday, driving in the sweltering heat w/o A/C in my car, I really really liked it-the whole broadcast. It's the one entitled "Heat." I've never heard the pangs of summer put so well before..... maybe I'll listen again when it starts snowing up here in a few weeks....

http://hearingvoices.com/stories.php

PS I still think NPR is ridiculous, but for some reason, I loved this one.

2008-08-28T09:10:00.000-07:00

My administrative law professor just said, I think seriously, that Truman is his favorite president. Oh, brother.

Let's not let this one go ignored

2008-08-26T08:48:00.000-07:00

http://foxforum.blogs.foxnews.com/2008/08/26/michelle-obamas-only-hope-is-that-people-forget-about-what-she-once-said-about-her-vision-of-america-and-instead-focus-on-her-uplifting-message-from-last-night/

I wanted to reprint the whole thing, but I was concerned about copyright infringement. Basically, Michelle vacillates between what a great country this is and how the system is trying to screw everyone. I understand how a person can say that the people in this country are generally good but the government is flawed, etc., but she says outrageous things like "Don't get sick in America." Tell that to the 90%+ of the world who get much worse healthcare than we do. Bitch should be grateful America has so many medical resources. Also, let's not forget that she said she had NEVER BEEN PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN until her hubby ran for president. What an abomination. Can you imagine Nancy or Mary Todd or, hell, even Hillary saying something that unpatriotic?

update

2008-08-12T23:30:00.000-07:00

So I heard back about my baby's genetics testing, and it turns out
1) she's a Girl! I knew it! (although others had temporarily talked me into thinking she was a he)
2) she was perfectly healthy (i.e., right number of chromosomes and so forth) which means, it really was just a freak cord accident and extremely unlikely to happen again.
So, I have to change what I've been calling her in my head from Joseph to Catherine- I hope she doesn't mind that I've been calling her the wrong name!
But where she is, I don't think anything bothers her (;

PS- I know I ought to be uber happy that she would have been a healthy baby, but in a sense it isn't very comforting, you know? But we have to take the good with the bad. Everything for a reason. And one day I'll either know the reason or be so divinely happy that I won't care.

What's another word for jackass?

2008-08-11T11:14:00.001-07:00

Yesterday at work (at the pharmacy) I was wearing the button Loryn got me a long time ago, an American flag and underneath is written: "Peace- Something to shoot for"
Har dee har har
Over the years I have gotten some reactions to that pin, mostly people reading it out loud, and laughing slightly, which, I hope, means they got the double meaning.
But yesterday a particularly chatty & annoying middle-aged man noticed it and said "Don't you think that pin is a little, uh, .... uh.... "
I helped him out. "Patriotic?" I suggested.
"No, not that..... don't you think it's wrong to have 'peace' and 'shoot' in the same sentence?"
Truth be told, I did not care to have a debate with this obnoxious person, especially at work, so I played dumb.
The idiot went on to say, "Why not 'aim for,' or, 'strive for'?"
"Those are all synonyms though, aren't they?" I replied innocently. "Aim, strive, shoot. It's all the same, isn't it? Isn't peace something to shoot for?" I smiled a wide have-a-nice-day smile and the man drifted away slowly, clutching his prescription bag (full of xanax, actually), mulling it over in his tiny brain.

2008-08-03T13:47:00.000-07:00

Sorry if my last post was a big ol' shock to everyone. Someone recently told me that more people read my blog than I think, and, well, I assumed that Maggie & Loryn were the only ones who ever checked it out at all. I wouldn't have posted all that so abruptly if I had any idea other people read it. I had only posted it at all because Loryn's not on facebook & I wanted her to be able to see the pics if she wanted.
So..... sorry if it seemed, um, inappropriate or something.
As long as I'm here I'll just say real quick that I'm doing a lot better, emotionally. I was really really really sad when I posted the pics, as you can tell. But after a week or so I was able to master a mantra: "Nothing will bring the baby back- go on with your life!" Maybe it sounds cold, but it's really not. It was like I was peering into this half-crazy self-pitying abyss and I had to jump back really fast before it sucked out a year or more of my life. If crying all day and shutting myself up in my room maybe COULD bring back my little Joseph Gerard, you can bet your booties I'd be giving it a shot. But it can't, so I made myself return to normal as much as I could.
Alright, gotta run now. Thanks everyone- I feel like it was easier to move on having so many prayers and kind wishes to support me! XOXO

My Baby

2008-07-15T23:23:00.000-07:00

Well, the few of you that read my blog already know about my recent tragedy. On July 3, I went in for a 20 week ultrasound (very excited because I brought Alan with me & we were going to find out the sex- plus he had never seen the baby move like I had, so I couldn't wait for that). After 15 minutes of taking u/s pictures, they told me that the baby had died, probably at about 17 weeks.

The following Monday I delivered the baby at 10:03 pm and that Friday we buried the baby in a cemetery.

We don't know the sex yet (too undeveloped to tell, but my doctor thinks it was a boy). The baby was 7.5 inches and weighed 3.2 oz. He most likely died from the cord being wrapped around his neck. The chances of that happening in the 2nd trimester are about 1 in 10,000. We're still waiting for the tests done on the baby's DNA and the placenta, so we'll know what to expect the next time. Those are the bare-boned facts. I won't include, for now, how unbelievable depressed I am when I think about my tiny little baby dying inside me and I didn't know and couldn't help even if I had known. Or the horror of spending 16 hours in the labor and delivery wing of a hospital, waiting to deliver your dead child whom you spent months looking forward to and loving. Maybe I'll save that for another time.

I don't think the pics above are really graphic (I have others of the baby in more detail, and while it's not that bad, I don't want to subject my baby to so much exposure on the internet.) Suffice to say, everything was there and in tact, and the only "grossness" was that the baby had been dead for a couple weeks so the bones had shifted a bit and the skin was disolored. He didn't even small bad, since the amniotic fluid had preserved him. His hands and feet were so perfect- right down the nails. The eyes, the nose, the mouth- even the little biceps- everthing was there but in miniature.

I don't want to leave this post on too sad a note. I'm doing ok and my family & Alan have been good to me. I'm taking it "one day at a time." (I never understood that phrase till now). I have to keep reminding myself, though, that little Joseph Gerard/Catherine Hope is in God's care now, and that's even better than my care. I don't know how the lack of baptism plays a role, but I might as well assume that God will let my baby in heaven, since thinking otherwise won't help anything and will drive me mad. So, here's my tiny baby.

2008-02-18T14:07:00.000-08:00

2 posts in less than a month... I kick ass.

I am once again pondering whether I really want to be a lawyer. It's becoming more & more a reality that I will have to deal with and I don't know if I'm up for the stark unromantic majority of what I will have to do. I don't want to spend my days looking up shit on westlaw or lexis and preparing motions. I want what the movies & tv shows & books promised me. I need to find a niche in the legal field that will allow me to do that. Maybe if I carry around a little tape player (or ipod mayhaps) with the DUM-DUM new-scene sound of law & order and I play that every time I get bored as a lawyer it will make it seem more fun.
The scary truth is I've always assumed I'd be a good lawyer, but I really have no reason to be sure of that. Deep down I wanted to do something artsy or literary, you know, like writing books. But I thought that would be a waste- the easy way out. I wanted to contribute something you can sink your teeth into, like successful lawsuits, not some namby pamby novel to junk up the shelves at barnes & noble while deep down I would prefer people to read real classics rather than my book. It's like forcing yourself to eat your green beans and hope you have room for the ice cream afterwards. As Marotti said, inside every lawyer is a failed poet.

2008-01-21T09:03:00.000-08:00

Too true, too true. I'm very sorry. It wasn't until I saw that Emma had my blog under a heading called "The Morgue" that I decided to do something about it.
Well, I'm halfway thru law school, and my GPA just went from about a 2.75 (first year) to about a 3.41 (last semester), although taken both together I'm just barely cracking a 3.0, which is great, because that means I can actually put my GPA on my resume, like NORMAL people. Speaking of which, if any of you know any lawyers in the DC/Northern VA area, please let me know. I'm nervous b/c this summer I'll have to actually get a real legal job and actually contribute something helpful, which I'm not sure I can do.
What else?..... Well... I'm still keeping up a long-term relationship of more than a year. Which, given my track record, is amazing. And the best thing about Alan is he keeps forgivving me every time I blow up and say something spiteful. I wish I could be more like that. Although, he doesn't provide me an opportunity to be forgiving really, because there's so little to forgive him for.
Is this all too personal? I've forgotten how to blog, to be honest and I don't want to bore you too much.....
I miss all you people out in CA and am so jealous of your sunshine and fresh air. I really want to come out again for graduation but I dunno....
Well, time to be productive. Now that I finally remembered my password, I'll be posting more & hopefully better posts too. I love you!!!

2007-09-27T11:32:00.000-07:00

At Loryn's prompting, I shall try to resurrect this blog. I shall begin by recommending Flight of the Conchords, an HBO show/musical duo.

2007-08-28T11:19:00.000-07:00

Here I am at Ave again. I'm sorry my sporadic posts have been so unenlightening. Will do better later.

2007-07-22T13:25:00.001-07:00

Still alive.

zach galifiankis

2007-04-20T19:44:00.000-07:00

My favorites are the Chuck E Cheese & Axe quotes. (He's a burly, bearded man with slightly crazy eyes). He's in the fiona apple video I posted below.

"You know you're an alcoholic when the bartender knows your name... and you've never been to that bar before."
"Three years ago my sister was diagnosed with multiple personalities, and there's nothing funny about that. But she phoned me the other day...and my caller ID exploded."
"I wish there was a morning after pill for Denny's Moons over My Hammy."
"When you look like I do, It's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E. Cheese."
"That show 'The Amazing Race'- is that about white people?"
"I would start a revolution, but... I just bought a hammock."
"I want to move to India or Pakistan, and become a cab driver."
"My name's Zach Galifianakis... I hope I'm pronouncing that right."
"I just released a DVD. It's selling like whatever the opposite of 'hotcakes' is."
"At what age do you tell a highway it is adopted?"
"I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day in my fort."
"I want to open up a store for cross-dressers. I'll call it 'Susan B. Anthony'"
"I wear a lot of Axe bodyspray, but I live in a black neighborhood and it's called Ask. And if you don't get that you're not racist."

2007-04-10T08:28:00.000-07:00

2007-03-30T07:32:00.000-07:00

ASSumptions

2007-03-23T07:27:00.000-07:00

When you're a young person living in A2, the assumption is you go to U of M. So if you meet someone at a bar or what-have-you, and he asks what you're studying and you say law, the assumption is UofM. Fact is, it's a bit embarrassing to explain, "oh, no, there's actually a nice little law school across the street from U of M- that's where I go. What's it called? Um, Ave Maria. . . Well, it was founded by the founder of Domino's. . . uh, yeah, he has a lot of money and he just wanted to found a law school I guess. . . " Things get weird fast b/c, as all U of M students are eager to tell you, they have never heard of Ave. It literally is not even on the map, although groceries stores and some gas stations literally are.

I went to the dentist a couple weeks ago & I was a tad late & the last appt of the day so I didn't want to take up their time. The dentist was an old man who I initially liked b/c he kept telling me that I have beautiful teeth. Later I didn't like him as much b/c he took advantage of my inability to speak while he was cleaning my teeth, telling me, a propos of nothing, that we shouldn't be in Iraq. But I digress.

As he prepared the instruments he asked me if I'm a student. Yes, I say. What's my field of study? I'm a first-year law student, I say nervously, b/c the follow-up to that is going to take a long time. But I didn't get the chance to give my lame explanation of where I go to school. He got all excited and started shouting how brilliant I must be to have gotten in to UofM law and how hard a school that is to get into and did I know that it's a top ten for law and wowee zowee I must be smart and hard-working and I'm going to go places in life now that I'm a law student at UofM. Now he's whistling and handing me a rinse cup and I sigh, considering whether it would even be worth it to correct his assumption. But instead I take the rinse cup and say "Thank you."

2007-02-21T11:57:00.000-08:00

Q. What do you do when you find out you have about $1,000 less in your bank account than you thought?

A. You go shopping. For hours and hours.

2007-02-04T17:54:00.000-08:00

I am currently listening to Smooth Criminal & am realizing that the lyrics and the whole idea behind this song are really very bizarre. But then again look who wrote it.

It's Not About Love

2007-01-30T20:00:00.000-08:00

It probably cost $25 to make this video & yet it's one of the most amusing music videos I've ever seen. And the song is delightful.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=krTE0AJkqj4&mode=related&search=

2007-01-25T15:37:00.000-08:00

I was just going through my phone pics and I found a few more NY pics from New Years. The quality, granted, not so good, but, eh. The ice on the tree, though, is an Ann Arbor picture. Everything- everything was covered in its own sheath of ice, as if nature took the time one night to coat every individual twig, blade of grass- it was enchanting. It lasted for about a week. The pictures don't do it justice. It kinda felt like the world was that ice cave where Superman lived. Maybe. I haven't seen the Superman movies since I was about four, so my memory might be off.
The bridge is the Brooklyn Bridge over which Alan, Peter Fry & I walked, hungover on New Years Day, just to go to Starbucks, where I was so tired and thirsty from the alcohol and walking that all I had was a water. An ethical, fair-trade, ozone- and war-orphan friendly bottle of water. Then we walked back.

2007-01-17T23:23:00.000-08:00

Shulamite only posts philosophy and theology now. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But I kinda miss the days when he'd post stuff like this. http://thomism.wordpress.com/2004/04/30/who-says-america-isnt-a/

2007-01-07T18:47:00.000-08:00

Rockefeller Center Tree. . . I had a lovely New Year's.

back before I was boring

2006-12-20T23:42:00.000-08:00

I was looking thru my archives & noticed w/ a little sadness that my posts used to be much better. Now I just link dumb crap. Back in the day I didn't know how to link and I was the better for it. I came across this GOLDEN comment from my post 2 yrs ago announcing that I was reaccepted to TAC. Any guesses who it is?

"I got accepted too again! i'll be a second semester freshman. i told them i really didn't get as much out of that semester as i could have, because i was "too fucked up." they understood. i also told them how excited i was about reading harvey and his account of efficient causality in eggs. they were excited as well. then i told them i did not want to work in the kitchen again because i didn't like lucinda. they told me i have to talk to mr becher about that. before i left i asked if tushla was still in commission and they said they didn't know.

this post is a lie "

2006-12-18T17:23:00.000-08:00

My Christmas list is short this year. Just one item.
http://www.victoriassecret.com/fantasybra102006/?rfnbr=3288

It's Lonely Out in Space

2006-12-08T21:22:00.000-08:00

Never has smoking a cigarette looked so good.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=NN3MGN899yE

2006-12-05T20:21:00.000-08:00

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=1053815657
I'm on a Fiona Apple kick & I really like the first minute of this song. The rest isn't that really worth listening to, but the first minute. . . wow, what an unusual melody. I think I have a crush on her. But I still like boys.

2006-12-02T18:14:00.000-08:00

www.engrish.com it's addictive.

It really ties the. . . forget it

2006-11-30T22:08:00.000-08:00

My roommate decided we need some art in our apartment since we live like squatters. So I stuck a safety pin in the wall, she added a shoebox lid, and voila. It's actually not crooked. But it is "upside-down." Ha!

2006-11-28T13:20:00.000-08:00

Art Institute of Chicago. Cameron-Fry-gets-in-touch-with-his-lost-childhood-painting (aka A Sunday on La Grande Jatte, Georges Seurat)

2006-11-17T20:37:00.000-08:00

Anyone ever been to Chicago? Any suggestions for what to see/do?

2006-11-10T16:41:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder what kind of cake to get when you're celebrating your upcoming divorce from your rich rock-star husband? Wonder no more.

"America Wants Change"

2006-11-08T06:41:00.000-08:00

So say the Dems, happy as a kid in a candy store (and, I suspect, just as eager to leave it barren). Well, America's gonna get some change. God help us. At least we'll have someone else to blame in '08. So, uh, we got that goin for us. Which is nice.

2006-11-05T22:29:00.000-08:00

I have decided two very important things. 1. My new pet peeve is when people use the word "funds" instead of "money" when they're talking about their personal finances. 2. "Puppy" is my new favorite word. 3. I want a puppy.

(I was reading a case in which a puppy was returned as being defective b/c of a serious urinary tract infection & I kept giggling to see "puppy" over & over in a court opinion.)

Verba Bona Uxoris Philosophi

2006-11-05T16:52:00.000-08:00

http://www.nbc4.tv/video/10238883/detail.html#
Jessica Chastek (James' wife) laid the smackdizzle on Planned Parenthood re: Prop 85. Watch!!!

2006-11-03T19:22:00.000-08:00

It's seems that all I'm good at anymore is smoking and pissing off people at the '05 msn group. Oh, and I'm very good at pissing away study time floating around the internet while I should be researching NY statutes and case law addressing implied warranty and particular purpose so I can turn in an 8 page preliminary memo for class on Monday.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=nCOjCpqS1vI
This is a nice song.

All Souls Day

2006-11-02T22:17:00.000-08:00

I teared (teered, not tared) up at Mass today. It was in the chapel, maybe 15 people; very intimate and quiet. The priest was an old Italian with a thick accent but a lovely voice that sounds like he's reading Dante whenever he talks. He kept telling us about storing up our treasure in heaven. Over and over, saying that our "law diplomas" won't mean anything in heaven and what are we going to do with all the things we work so hard for here when we die? God wants us to do great things yet we are always playing foolish little games, then he'd echo softly, "foolish little games." It would maybe have sounded trite were it not for the accent or the grandfatherly love in his look, but whatever it was, it was wonderful to hear and I thought about how simple it is and how much I wished everyone on Earth would just take a break from making everything so complicated and hateful just to try out the whole storing up a treasure in heaven thing. And it sounds obvious and unneccessary to even say to adults, but it's not less true for all that. Why do people resist happiness? And don't tell me they don't: I've seen them; they do.

For those of you who haven't seen it. . .

2006-10-27T16:31:00.000-07:00

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5883772879840922003&q=tom+cruise+oprah

dumb bitch

2006-10-25T11:13:00.000-07:00

No one over at the msn group seemed to much care, but I'm still laughing:

Madonna issued a statement last month insisting her act was neither anti-Christian, sacrilegious or blasphemous. Rather it is a plea to the audience to encourage mankind to help one another and to see the world as a unified whole."I believe if Jesus were alive today, he would be doing the same thing," she said, adding that her specific intent was to bring attention to the extreme poverty in Africa.

Well, I disagree, Madonna. I think Jesus is rolling in His grave!!!

Quite Right, Slick.

2006-10-19T20:38:00.000-07:00

This was one of my favorite commercials growing up. Watch it with sound.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=upclJMOnlSs&mode=related&search=

"Destination: Sin City." A Poem. No, really.

2006-10-11T17:26:00.000-07:00

Rain on, Michigan! Rain on!
I shan’t be with you long;
I go west
To claim my fortune.

Trudge on, my student-peers!
Seekers of wisdom & far-off dream money;
I take my leave
But I shall rejoin you.

There are lights brighter than here
And sounds softer than howling wind;
There are warm smiles from people
Who take your money with little rakes.

Artificial? Bah; what is artifice
Other than improving mere nature;
Keep your naked trees and chances of snow;
I embark for that city
Where we reckless folk go.

Geometry & babies: together at last!

2006-10-07T19:59:00.000-07:00

I was watching Pink Panther (movie) and noticed in the credits an AWESOME name. I'm using it, so by reading the following you agree to not use this name.(My kids are going to hate me but what do I care):
Euclide. It's French. Apparently it's a boy's name, but I'll use it for a girl.
Oh, and don't think that the legal stuff above isn't binding.

2006-10-02T20:35:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Speaking of monkeys

2006-09-29T14:08:00.000-07:00

It's scary how human the baby looks. Like an ugly human baby, granted, but still.

you look like a monkey and you smell like one too

2006-09-28T08:53:00.000-07:00

This weekend should be exciting. Tomorrow's my 23rd birthday, which I have mixed feelings about. I just think 23 is too old. Too old for me, anyway. It works on some people. But, I'm going to a toga party on Saturday, which I've always wanted to do. I went to a toga party when I was 11, which was awesome, and hopefully this one'll be even better. Also, tomorrow marks one week since I've smoked. You have no idea how encouraging this is, b/c I've found the secret to quitting: make new friends who don't smoke & distance yourselves from those who do. This has its drawbacks for sure, since you might actually like your smoking friends better. And I know I'll start again (I'm going to Vegas in 2 weeks, so of course I'm going to smoke again), but it's nice to know that under the right circumstances it's doable.
Memorable birthdays for me:
6: had the flu & puked on my cake. But my b-day fell on Yom Kippur, so it evened out. (I have pictures of this. I'm wearing my brownie outfit and don't look happy.)
15: had my first cigarette. A Newport.
18: all alone at TAC b/c everyone was at the gala.
20: My first radiohead concert (technically the day before, but we were still there at midnite)
21: Brick's Kellar in D.C. Peed on the shoulder of the Beltway on my way home. Also had champagne at work (9 a.m. at the pharmacy)
22: studying for LSAT. Also, not allowed to drink that year. Boo hiss

2006-09-23T14:55:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C65G5mm-17M&mode=related&search=family%20guy%20brian%20peter%20griffin

TV sucks

2006-09-21T19:35:00.000-07:00

At my roommates' behest I sat and watched The Office (American) and Grey's Anatomy. Having seen the REAL The Office (British), not only was the American version not funny, it pissed me off bigtime. Bigtime. Wow. And Grey's Anatomy was so godawful boring and trite I wanted to jump out the window into a pile of broken glass. And these were the long-awaited season premieres! My introduction to these shows was when they had 3 months to pull out all the stops. And during The Office my roommate who loves it & has never seen the original version was laughing hysterically at the dumbest and most obvious-appeal-to-the-lowest-common-denominator bullshit. Sigh. There's nothing to do now- wait! I'm in law school! Maybe I should crack open a book, just for fun.

2006-09-16T15:34:00.000-07:00

Well, since no one reads my blog anymore looks like I can just post any random thing that amuses me without feeling guilty. And here it is. I've been watching a lot of youtube.com and as I was searching for simpsons episodes, I somehow got sucked into the other dysfunctional Simpson family, aka The Newlyweds. My favorite line: Jessica, pouting outside the car as Nick Lachey gets into the driver's side: "Baby, when we were first married you used to always open the car door for me." Nick: "Yeah, well, when we were first married I was also getting laid."

2006-09-14T13:21:00.000-07:00

My new favorite song: The Bagman's Gambit by the Decemberists: it's the ultimate spy/love story. here's the first verse:

On the lam from the law
On the steps of the Capitol
You shot a plainclothes cop on the ten o'clock
And I saw momentarily
They flashed a photograph, it couldn't be you
You'd been abused so horribly but you were there in some anonymous room
And I recall that fall I was working for the government
And in a bathroom stall off the National Mall
How we kissed so sweetly
How could I refuse a favor or two?
For a tryst in the greenery I gave you documents and microfilm, too. . .

The grass is always greener

2006-09-06T06:39:00.000-07:00

I've spent the last 2 1/2 weeks sleeping on the floor, which, I'll admit, kinda sucked. So yesterday I got a bed & now I realize how lucky I had it, wanting to get up at 7 am every morning when my alarm went off.

you won't be disappointed

2006-09-01T07:32:00.000-07:00

joeymagazine.com

Philosophy Lite- now, with fewer calories!

2006-08-30T09:07:00.000-07:00

There's a 2 week class called Moral Foundations of the Law, led by the dean the 1st week, and co-led by Bork week 2. (Exciting! I'll get a chance to meet my idol! But...) The problem is, that when you have a forum of 70 people, mostly from different educational backgrounds & many professing different ideologies, you get nowhere unless A) The matter at hand is limited and clear, and B) terms are defined from the beginning.
Our scenario was about spelunkers-turned cannibals (spelunkers are starving to death in a cave & they get word over the radio that they will die of hunger before they can be rescued. They form a "social contract" whereby they agree to roll dice & eat the low-roller. They are rescued days later & tried for murder. This country only has 1 penalty for murder: death. Questions: Should they be found guilty of murder; is it hypocritical of the cheif justice {this case was appealed to the Supr. Ct. of that country} to say, guilty, but recommend executive clemency?, etc.) As you can imagine, we got a barrage of "I thinks" and "In my opinions" but there was almost nothing solid to refer to (cf "Do you have text for that?) I hate this class. 2 of my fellow TACers use it for a study hall. I kid you not: Hobbes' "state of nature" was being confused with St. Thomas' idea of a "natural right" WITH RECKLESS ABANDON and it was heartwrenching. Someone suggested that instead of murder, the spelunkers could have waited for the 1st person to die naturally and then eat him instead. Many objected. The dean, rightly, asked, "Do you object on moral grounds or from repugnagce to eating human flesh at all?" One student then made up some vague, unsubstantiated, and incorrect reference to "Aquinas, like, asserts that humans have, like, dignity and so you can't, like, eat their bodies under any circumstances." To which fellow TACer & I replied that a dead body is really just a corpse, so you're not eating a person. And if that's the only way you're going to live, you have the right to do it. Then some hotshot yelled angrily in our direction, "Well, I believe in the resurrection of the body! You can't eat a dead person."
Sigh. But wait- there's more!
"Humans don't naturally have dignity anyway," pipes up another. "It's a social construct."

Howdy

2006-08-23T14:50:00.000-07:00

Here I am at Ave Maria School of Law. I just got an email 5 minutes ago officially telling me that Notre Dame will not be able to accept me. Ha! As if I would want to go to a dump like that! I don't know where they ever got the idea I was interested..... anyway, I like Ann Arbor. My roommates are wonderful, as is my apartment, and I extend an open invitation to everyone to come and visit. Almost everyone. I've alreay developed a reputation here for sleeping through orientation lectures. Yesterday I woke up to hear the head librarian saying, I assume in some context, "Everyone go to the stacks and find a treatise!" I snorted awake and jumped up with everyone else and grabbed a book called "Law of Fraud." I showed it to the nice lady and she approved, so I went back to sleep. Law school's weird.
I also got stung by a wasp and I won an Ave Maria School of Law bath towel (MSRP: $19.99) for knowing the correct answer to how far away from buildings we can smoke. That's it for now.

2006-08-04T20:17:00.000-07:00

I learned something interesting. Everyone knows that quote from Henry IV "First, kill all the lawyers." But did you know that that was not a criticism of lawyers, but, in context, was referring to how to create anarchy? I looked it up & to be honest I couldn't find proof, but I'm going to read it again more slowly to be sure. It reminds me of another oft misinterpreted Shakespeareanism. "If music be the food of love, play on! Give me excess of it.." I have that on a mug w/ happy cherubic child-lovers swinging gaily on flower-covered swings. But, read on! "That, in the surfeit, it (love) may sicken, and so die."

2006-06-27T16:18:00.000-07:00

Still alive, just nothing much to say. Rosie & Adam's wedding was lovely. I'm finishing Brothers K after reading it steadily for about 6 or 7 months.

You Take Your Car

2006-05-02T17:54:00.000-07:00

I'm having a midlife crisis. Except it's more of a "I've spent the better part of 5 years in SoCal & I haven't done anything cool" crisis. So, I've taken up basketball & surfing. With the basketball, it's more like, I learned how to throw the ball at the hoop correctly & I practice that a lot, but I'm not very good at executing it. And for the surfing, ok, I only did it once, but it was the most fun I've ever had in my life. I felt like Gidget. I said words like dude and rad. I caught waves and stood up on my board each time, even though I only lasted about 3-4 seconds each time. I sang that Weezer song as I carried my board to the beach. I swam with dolphins. No one who hasn't tried it knows the rush of getting up on the board, knowing that the only way you're going to come back down again is when you get your ass knocked down by mighty Mother Nature face first into jagged rocks. Knowing this to be the case, you do it anyway. Why? Because it's there, I guess. Nuts to law school.* I want to be a beach bum.

*Ok, not really.

Happy birthday, Marian, wherever you are!

The Legacy

2006-04-25T21:52:00.000-07:00

For those of you who didn't attend Chez Martin, there was a "tribute" skit to John Marie that would have brought a tear to your eye. A couple, all dressed up, go to dinner at a nice restaurant and as they look over their menu, eat, drink wine, etc., a curious thing happens. Over. And over. And over. A light bulb & shade is suspended from a beam (this is in the commons) and hanging down is a thin rope. The light is on. On either side of the room is a set of three young men, dressed in collared white shirts & bow ties, on their knees, facing each other. One set crawls on hands & knees to the light, one pulls the rope to turn off the light. As they turn around to crawl back, the other three crawl towards the light and pull the string to turn it back on. As they turn around to crawl back, the other team moves in. This goes on for about ten minutes. At the end, the couple leaves the restaurant (of course oblivious the whole time to the lamp shenanigans) Daniel Lendman, the waiter, reads, in Italian, from Plutarch and Dante. The end.
It was lovely.

2006-04-03T15:06:00.000-07:00

update: I'm all (?) better! Yay! i just hope I can get my defense scheduled soon, cuz I don't want to drag this out!I wish I had something more interesting to talk about than my teeth. Tell Maxabillion happy birthday!

Pericoronitis

2006-03-30T12:41:00.000-08:00

I might have to postpone my thesis defense like a sissy little girl if my pericoronitis doesn't ease up. That's fancy for impacted wisdom tooth, which is fancy for tiny creatures camping out under my gum and making me cry.

2006-03-21T13:20:00.000-08:00

This drove me batty and I hope it will do the same for you:
It is impossible to have 5 continuous (ie, each area is continuous with itself) areas all touching each other (in one plane). Use any combinations of curves & staight lines. Can't be done. I assume this holds for more than 5 also. This was discovered by people who were trying to pick colors for countries on a map.

2006-03-13T03:42:00.000-08:00

SP Confidential Pt. 2 coming soom.......

24

2006-03-03T10:30:00.000-08:00

Jack Bauer: Do you see that thing out there that looks like hedge trimmers?
Waitress Hostage: You mean the bolt cutter?
Jack Bauer: Yes, the bolt cutter.

2006-02-17T13:13:00.000-08:00

I got an email encouraging the use of www.prolifesearch.com , a pro-life search engine (it's powered by google- use it; the more hits they get, the more they can donate to pro-life causes, plus it works jkust like any other engine) and just for kicks I entered my blog name. Then I found out that there's a FANTASY BLOG STOCK MARKET and they've got all these stats & graphs about my blog & I have no idea WHAT THE HELL this means. Check it out for yourselves! If your blog names are too mundane, maybe it won't come up, but if ou type in somethinginmyeye this weird stock market is one of the first links. And it's got a list of other TACer blogs too if you scroll down, with their market value or whatvever. crazy.

2006-01-31T15:07:00.000-08:00

I got my full ride to Ave Maria! No stipend though, apparently....

2006-01-28T16:36:00.000-08:00

If anyone has any suggestions of books to read (or places in the Summa) that concentrate on man's love for God, not as a practical meditational thing, but really delving into the meaning of it, please let me know. Thanks (Thesis- panic-time!)

2006-01-24T19:38:00.000-08:00

Questions I asked myself while driving past the post office today:
If you mail something to your local post office, do they just open it when it gets there? Do they cancel the stamp?
If you pay by weight, what happens when you ship a big box of helium? Do they pay you?

2006-01-17T17:05:00.000-08:00

Applications are all in. Now what? Oh, right: the 87 other top priorities I've been neglecting whilst I worried about law school.

Chappa-licious!

2006-01-15T21:47:00.000-08:00

"The GOP team working with the White House to win confirmation of conservative Samuel Alito is putting out a warning to Alito's Democratic critics: Question his ethics and character at your own peril. In their sights: Sens. Edward Kennedy and Joe Biden.
'We're absolutely prepared to have an ethics debate with Teddy Kennedy,' says one indsider who mentioned the 'C' word: Chappaquiddick."
-USNews & World Report, Dec. 19

Break out the noisemakers!

2006-01-15T17:49:00.000-08:00

Philosophus has just blogged his 500th blog!

2005-12-27T13:45:00.000-08:00

165 this time around. 93rd percentile. Good, but not great. oh well. Ave here I come. Merry Christmas!

recant

2005-12-12T21:14:00.000-08:00

Dammit. this is what happens when you date someone smarter than you. All your pet theories are short-lived. What took me over an hour to write he tore apart in ten seconds by pointing out that what I just posted can't follow because not only do animal populations not increase exponentially they remain the same overall size throughout unless they have room to spread out which most do not. Dammit. Well, I grudgingly sacrifice my theory on the altar of truth. Dammit.

Who's your daddy?

2005-12-12T19:20:00.000-08:00

Where to begin? I have so many objections to Darwin. One is that he never shows that what he claims is even possible, much less probable much less unquestionable, namely, that a mutation that happens to be useful could become the norm and consistently passed down with few exceptions from generation to generation, and secondly, that that helpful mutation is so much more helpful than other mutations or even the old way that it beats out everyone else. For example, a big pack of wolves: most are the same, a few are born with slightly bigger tails- I don't know. But all the parents of that generation looked the same. It's only 3 out of 800 that had the slightly bigger tails. Then, say, 600 of those 800 cubs grow up (the rest die as cubs). Let's say those 3 mutated-tail cubs are among those 600. However, of those 600, maybe 2 are born with a mutation (and by mutation I mean, something different from their parents) of having especially white fur, another 3 have especially dark fur, etc. But these are freak occurences. Again, maybe another 1 or 2 have abnormally good eyesight, another 2 or 3 have abonormally bad eyesight, and perhaps so forth till about 40 or 50 of the 600 who made it to maturity have some sort of abnormality, be it beneficial, harmful, or indifferent. That sounds pretty reasonable, right?
The assumption here is that- and must be that- starting with this generation, be it ever so gradual, these slight little mutations are important enough to actually cause the especially white wolves (let's say it's snowy weather) or the bigger-tailed wolves or whatever, to survive longer and produce young. But wait! There's more!
Not only do these slightly different wolves have to reproduce, but they have to reproduce children who inherit the same slight trait that they themselves only got by a freak occurence. And these cubs in turn have to mate with other freak cubs etc ad infinutm to affect any change. And under Darwin's theory, there can't be an ongoing coexistence of mini-breeds of freak-wolves who have their advantage due to different mutations; i.e., it's either the long-tails or the white-furs, or the sharp-sights, etc etc etc, but no more than one. In other words, different mutations can't give equal advantage (ie, equal survival rates) to a group. Not only does the, say, white fur have to be an advantage, but an advantage consistently passed down, and not only that, but it has to be significantly more advantageous than the freak cubs born with bigger tails, which, while helpful, don't make the cut. Darwin says that any advantage, no matter how slight, will win out given enough time. I do not see that that follows. And of course, the biggest objection that I can think of at the moment is, well, it's twofold, and I've mentioned them already but I want to drive home how absurd it is, that
1. Cub A is born with mutation X. Siblings do not have mutation X. Maybe one other cub (Cub B) in the pack has mutation X. Same with mutations Y, Z, etc. Of course, these will not be the majority, even put together, because if we proceed from experience we see that children are usually born in the image of their parents; not that all kids are slightly mutated but it's so slight we don't notice. Cuz that's a different can of worms but if anyone wants to duke that out I'd be more than happy. Anyway, so that mutation happens to be beneficial and Cub A grows and has his own cubs. Chances are he did not mate with that one other cub in the pack that had X. He has 6 cubs, maybe one of which has the same mutation. meanwhile, the rest of the pack is expanding almost exponentially (granted a pack can't actually grow like that; only the Grimms can, but you see it's like that in nature). Keep in mind, it's only been one generation, and while Cubs A & B have had about 6 cubs each, so has every non-mutated member of the pack. Which means, that with every successive generation, those cubs born with mutation X, while possibly more and more in number each generation, but less & less percentagewise, will have to have a bigger and bigger edge over the non-mutated or differently-mutated cubs in order to even eventually phase them out. And remember, this "accumualation" in concentration of mutation X is so gradual that it can barely be noticed from one generation to the next, yet somehow it's responsible for, in every generation, a decided advantage to the Xers. And it DOES have to be a decided advantage in every generation in order for this to work. If someone wants to argue with me, please address this, and don't come to me with "but we know that evolution is true to some extent because yada yada yada" unless your defense actually relates to what I'm talking about. I really would love to know the answer to this.
I have more to say but I'm spent.

2005-12-06T11:05:00.000-08:00

I was a Darwinist until I read Darwin.

2005-11-15T21:12:00.000-08:00

Joel's father knows a lawyer who represented, pro bono, a couple of young men who were clearly guilty of bombing a Jewish temple. This is his story.
While the prosecutor was examining the key witness, the lawyer (Mr. Feil's friend) kept scooting his chair little by little to the side until he was at the prosecutor's table, at which point he starts going through the prosecutor's notes. The prosecutor notices this and gets livid. The judge gets livid. The lawyer apologizes and returns to his own table. The prosec. continues questioning the witness. The lawyer, once again scoots his chair over to the other side. This happens four times. Each time the prosecutor goes into a rage, the judge bangs his gavel, "Contempt of court! Contempt of court!" Finally, the jury is dismissed and the judge takes the 2 lawyers into his chambers. When the jury is brought back again, they see a chalk line drawn down the middle of the courtroom. The prosec. once again continues his examination of the key witness and the defense lawyer stands up and chucks his chair across the chalk line. The judge loses it.
"CONTEMPT OF COURT! CONTEMPT OF COURT!" Gavel banging, judge roaring, prosecutor shrieking, defense attorney maintaining his innocence-
"MY ASS DIDN'T CROSS THE LINE! MY ASS DIDN'T CROSS THE LINE!"
"CONTEMPT OF COURT! CONTEMPT OF COURT!"
2 weeks later when the trial was over (the defendants, by the way, were acquitted and their lawyer did a month in jail for contempt of court) the jury were interviewed about the key witness, whose testimony should have put the defendants in prison.
They didn't remember a single word of the testimony.

I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone it, People Like Me!

2005-11-09T17:38:00.000-08:00

A fellow TACer and good friend's father went to Notre Dame Law. We'll call this good friend X. At my & Nick's prompting, X told his father he had 2 friends who wanted to meet with him & talk about getting into ND Law School. So, X's father suggested we come over to watch the ND/Tennessee game last Saturday. We went to their house, X introduced us, and X's father immediately begins giving Nick ND literature. The boys go to the kitchen to get some beers & I am left alone with X's father.
"So, what do you want to do when you leave TAC?" he asks me.
Pause.
"... law school..." I say timidly.
It dawns on him. "Oh! YOU'RE the other one!"

2005-11-02T19:05:00.000-08:00

The tradition of "dice girls" at the quadrivial trivial pursuit must stop. It's degrading & disgusting & I have a plan but I can't say what it is yet. But I'll give you a hint: pantsuits.

Reality's a Big Fat Bitch

2005-10-24T08:41:00.000-07:00

161

2005-10-20T14:09:00.000-07:00

I'm waiting for Nick to get back from SD on Monday till we look at our emails to see our LSAT scores. I think it would be better if we saw it at the same time; I also need someone to be there to hold me down when I start bashing my head against a brick wall. So, about a week ago Jaclyn (I don't know if I spelled it right) asked me if I knew yet. "No, I'm waiting till blah blah blah because blah blah blah." "Oh," she said,"Well, sometimes they send it to you in less than three weeks. That's what happened to so & so." "Hmm," says I," all the same, I have to wait until next Monday."
This morning: knock knock "Come in." Jaclyn pokes her head in. "Do you know yet?"
"No. I'm waiting till Monday. I'm trying to avoid even going near anywhere where I can check my email."
"Oh, so do you not want me to tell you if a bunch of other people just got theirs today just now?"
I bury my face back in Toqueville, but it doesn't work and here I am. Nothing in my email yet, praised be God. Thank you anyway, Jaclyn.

I heart the USA

2005-10-06T21:48:00.000-07:00

Someone recently told me that the Soviet Union's Anthem was vastly superior to and more grown-up than ours. While I grant the latter, let me point out that "more grown-up" generally means "more boring." For your contrasting pleasure, I shall post both and perhaps you will see why I prefer ours. Ours is unique: one long question whose only point is, is our flag still there? In that question is contained the essence of our country: we came to exist only through great struggle and our youth and immaturity, rather than hindering, give us the vigor we need to sustain ourselves, especially since we're ever-expanding. True, most countries have more history and therefore more instances of struggle for survival, but in 2 centuries, we've packed in plenty. Look at Iwo Jima: four men, weary from battle struggle just to erect our flag. We have strict laws regarding maintenance of our flag and only a very few ACLUesque weirdoes ever question that. Flags symbolize everything by their very nature and having an anthem about a flag, even if it was written by a poet who was merely straining to see if it still waved, is immensely appropriate. It is not often that we symbolize something so powerfully and I can think of no better way to artistically express patriotism than a hope that our flag has not been desecrated or pulled down in the midst of battle.

Unbreakable Union of freeborn republics,
Great Russia has welded forever to stand.
Created in struggle by will of the people,
United and mighty, our Soviet land!

(chorus:)
Sing to the motherland, home of the free,
Bulwark of peoples in brotherhood strong.
O Party of Lenin, the strength of the people,
To Communism's triumph lead us on!

Through tempests the sunrays of freedom have cheered us,
Along the great path where Lenin did lead.
Be true to the people, thus Stalin has reared us,
Inspire us to labor and valorous deed!

In the victory of Communism's deathless ideal,
We see the future of our dear land.
And to her fluttering scarlet banner
Selflessly true we always shall stand!

Nice (if you're a dirty commie), but borrrrrrrrring and full of s***. Every country thinks it's unique and noble. But The Star-Spangled Banner makes no outright claims to our land being unique and great, only that it's ours and we love it for that. I've heard the Russians still love this anthem and get emotional, but you get emotional because of your patriotism, not b/c of the song itself, especially if the song isn't very remarkable- for example, in Casablanca the French emigres drowning out the Nazis and the sleazy Frenchwomen who were flirting w/ the Nazis got tears in their eyes and sang loudest of all-maybe people really see value in their own anthems because we can't separate the patriotism from the music, but I'm pretty sure I'd love America's anyway. So here it is. I know there are more verses (Mr. & Mrs. Ferrier both know them all, God bless them), but the first verse suffices.

O, say, can you see by the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming
Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight
O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
O, say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

2005-10-03T14:59:00.000-07:00

I took my LSAT. I don't know how it went. Honestly. I did ok. Maybe well. I'll know in 3 weeks.

The Rest is Silence

2005-09-30T13:50:00.000-07:00

There's a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, 'tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come: the readiness is all: since no man has aught of what he leaves, what is't to leave betimes?

D-Day has arrived.

SPREAD THE WORD!

2005-09-23T16:25:00.000-07:00

Please everyone pray like the dickens for me this next week. Next Saturday's the most important, meaningful, and decisive day of my life thus far. Well, maybe 2nd most; I saw Top Gun in a movie theater last night. And that was pretty rad.

2005-09-21T20:56:00.000-07:00

I told my mother how to access my blog. I hope that wasn't a mistake.

S.P. Confidential

2005-09-20T13:02:00.000-07:00

PART I

I waited outside his office in the pitch black. It was raining- I remember that much. Course, in those days a dame of my breed couldn't much trust her memory- too many dizzy, scotch-soaked nights, too many blurred, head-splitting mornings. I paced across the creaking wooden boards and listened to the hollow sound my stilletos made, wondering grimly if the floor was going to give out from under me, just like everything else I've ever been fool enough to trust in. What gives? He said just after 9, I'm sure of it. Maybe it's a sting. No, I'da read it in his eyes. I trust him. And when I go with my gut, I come out of my scrapes without a scrape. Then why do I keep looking around the corners, thinking I'm being watched? If those thugs see me go in his office they'll know I saw what I saw. And in my circles, people show up missing for lesser reasons. Still, a girl's gotta do what she's gotta do. I've put it off too long already, and besides, from what I hear, he's the only man for the job. Anyway, I wasn't too worried about those crooks. I was packing. Seems like those days, I was always packing.
The rain had eased up a bit and I lit a cigarette. I heard something- laughter. So eerily out of place in these parts. Here, the only sounds are the cats in the garbage and an occasional slamming of doors. No one chit-chats, no one goes for a stroll, and nobody- but nobody- laughs. Especially on a night this black. I hide behind a lamppost- that's right; I'm just slim enough to do it, too. And to my relief, it's him. He smiles and says hello. Yeah, yeah, I say to myself, let's just get outta this rain. He strides confidently and purposefully to his door. Swift turn of they key, and he's in. You don't get to be where he is fumbling round with keys. I start to stub out my cigarette, and he stops me. "Don't put it out. Please. Come right in." So I come right in. He takes his hat off and the water from the brim trickles onto his threadbare carpet. Cozy little office. If I didn't know who I was dealing with, I'd say it looked like business wasn't so hot. But like him or hate him, anybody who's anybody knows he's the best there is. He lays low- he's never been dope enough to buy into the glamour of the business- the rocks, the cash, the penthouses, the night scene. Sure, he probably has a bankroll from here to Baghdad squirrelled away for a rainy day, but he doesn't need to flaunt it; he doesn't need to surround himself with trophies to ease the pain of his sorry existence. Not like the rest of us. Not like me.
But this was no time to think of my own heartbreaks. I looked up at the walls closing in on me. Books of every shape and size bowing down the old wooden bookshelves that lined his tiny office overflowed and suffocated. Did he actually read any of this junk? But then, I figured he probably did. Real highbrow stuff too. Books where even the titles bored me. I wasn't made for any of this, but I envied it deep down. A dame like me wants real class, and that's the one thing she'll never have if she can't give up the rest. But I don't get no complaints either, if you catch my drift.
He was rummaging around his shelves and behind his desk for an ashtray. It gave me a moment to size him up. How he lives in this godforsaken town without smoking, I'll never understand. But then, there's a lot of things about him I didn't understand. That's what intrigued me. I had never met a man I didn't understand, much less a decent man I didn't understand. In this little shoebox of an office I suddenly felt how intimidating his presence would be if I didn’t know he was on the level. He was a big man, tall and fit. His age? Impossible to tell. One thing, though, he wouldn't'a had time to build the reputation he's got in these parts if he's anything under 40. Salt and pepper hair and close cropped mustache. Careworn, sympathetic face, yet surprisingly unyielding. I'd put him at 45 or so, and a young 45 at that. He was a man's man, but he could've been a lady's man if he'da had the mind to.
An empty snuff tin was what he'd produced for an ashtray. "Thanks." And it was just in time, too, cuz the end of my cigarette was about to ash itself, tray or no tray. I sank down into the client's chair and thought I was being swallowed alive. It was too comfortable and I was afraid I was losing my edge. He sat down at his desk, and the room was so cramped I got all claustrophobic, and it reminded me of when I did my nickel up in Sing-Sing. I wondered if I was daft to come here. Why would a professional of his class mix himself up with a mess like me? And I blushed. I blushed- can you believe it? Maybe it was his integrity and sincerity that caught me off guard. I had no M.O. I had no line of attack, no technique- no angle to work a man like this. Maybe I didn't have to.
"What can I do for you?" he asked briskly. As if he didn't know.
"Let's can the small talk." I said. "You know why I'm here. You know why or else you wouldn't've agreed to see me this late."
"Maybe I've got an idea. I want to hear it from you though." He never called me lamb, sugar, doll, or any of those other greasy names girls gotta put up with just to get through a day. My tough front started to give way when I realized this was a real gentleman I was dealing with, but he ain't no sucker either. I continued to smoke leisurely, trying to get my head together.
"I got a job." I waited for a response, but he just kept his keen gray eyes fixed on mine. He already looked somewhat concerned. I had to make him interested.
"Here's the proposal, black and white." I took the proposal, about two pages, double-spaced, out of my attache. I start to hand them over and he reaches cautiously, not looking away, still trying to get inside my brain by way of my baby-blues. I pulled back my left hand suddenlike and pretended to consider. With my right hand I take a final drag and blew the smoke gently across the room. Through the brief haze I saw that he was still unflinching, still letting me think I had control. He's keeping up the ruse, so why don't I? I wasn't ready to admit, not even to myself, that I was dealing with someone smarter than me. But he knows. He's gotta know.
"This requires discretion. My whole future's on the line here. And while that don't go for much in some places, it's got sentimental value to me."
"I give you my word," he said all serious-like. Somehow that actually seemed good enough.
I gave him the proposal and watched him read it. And he watched me watching him, from the corner of his eye. He nodded after he finished and tossed it lightly onto his desk. He stretched back into his chair with his hands behind his head, apparently waiting for me to initiate the conversation.
"Well?" I was getting anxious.
"Well, what?" He said laughingly. "It's a job in my line of work; I do jobs in my line of work. What are you asking me? Will I accept it? Sure, I could use the dough." He smiled broadly. Everyone knew his clientele was regular and paid top-dollar.
"I wasn't asking you if you could get it done," I replied hurriedly. "I need this handled real carefully. I need to know that whatever happens to you from taking this job- and believe you me, you might wish you hadn't- you'll remember that you're working for me. When this unravels I need to be somewhere safe and I can't afford to worry if my bases are covered. People- friends of yours maybe, are going to put the squeeze on you to get to what they think I know, and I need to know you're behind me every step." I stopped short when I realized I didn't need to say any of this. I ain't telling him anything he don't already know about this dirty business. People like him is maybe the only kinda clean people in this racket. I ain't in no place to make demands. Maybe I should just come right out with it. His eyes said as much and they shamed me.
I stood up, as if I was getting ready to leave. As if I could leave. As if I had a choice other than stare down the only person who's ever really made me question myself. Yeah, I said it. Something about him made me wonder what this crazy world's all about and I don't know that I liked it. But he can't know that. Life's tough and I got to be tougher, tough as nails if that's what it takes. He stood up and leaned against the desk, matching my glare, dagger for dagger.
"I just got one question." My voice wasn't shaking like I thought it might. But my blood was rising fast. I couldn't say if I was angry or what, but I was fearless. I ain't new at this either, Mr. Hotshot.
"Ask it then," he said quietly, goading me on with his self-control, which wasn't contrasting too nice next to my agitation.
My chin stopped trembling and my brow relaxed. I challenged cooly,
"Are you man enough for the job?"

For the record, could we go off the record?

2005-09-13T20:14:00.000-07:00

So I've been sending emails to admissions offices for my 5 or 6 gee-I-hope-I-get-in-but-it-would-be-a-miracle law school choices. The email is thus:
"My cumulative GPA will be about a 3.15 but I expect a high LSAT score. Could you please give me a rough idea, off the record, of what I would need my score to be to probably be accepted? I realize there are other factors to consider, but I'm sure there is a range of what's usually statistically acceptable."
Apparently the way they respond to this general inquiry is:
"Without reading your full application, we, unfortunately, cannot give you an idea of what score you will need. We recommend that you just try your hardest. Good luck!"
Try my hardest? Hmm... so...simple. And yet, so... BRILLIANT!!! Why did that never occur to me?
They just want my non-refundable $70 application fee. Greedy jerks.

2005-09-10T16:17:00.000-07:00

God bless the good people at Shire Pharmaceuticals.

2005-09-07T17:52:00.000-07:00

The defendant pleads no contest.

Who needs a Gustin fix?

2005-08-30T10:40:00.000-07:00

On calling powers above 3 'dimensions':
"It's an abuse of language that you use to mystify your inferiors." -Gustin
"But what if we just can't see them (the dimensions)?" -Elijah
"That's when people start espousing all those ideas- 'Mystery! Mystery!' But it's just garbage." -Gustin

... 3 minutes later...

"Suppose you invested $1 for one year and the interest compounded continually." -Gustin
"You'd get infinite money in an instant!" -Elijah
"No, that's cute, but you'd get $2.72. It's a swindle." -Gustin

Dude, I Still Know What Your Cruel Intentions Are From Last Summer

2005-08-29T15:30:00.000-07:00

The smokers' patio is, and God willing, will always be a place where the most charmingly useless ideas are borne. Like finding variations on the titles of dumb movie sequels. Cruel, crueller, and cruellest suffice for three movies, but what happens when a fourth, nay, a fifth, hits Blockbuster? Most Cruellest Intentions Ever. And of course, for a prequel, Dubious Intentions.

I had a dream...

2005-08-23T10:56:00.000-07:00

My dream was as follows: I was visiting the Schniederjans, who had just had the baby, and I asked where she (the baby girl) was, so they led me to this industrial-size walk-in freezer and the baby's all the way in the back, in her carseat. I was shocked & appalled. They left her next to a big hanging side of beef and a crate of frozen french fries. I grabbed the baby and ran out w/ her and asked the parents what in hell they were thinking.
"She had a fever," Sean said, smiling obliviously.
I asked what her name is. Anne smiled brightly and said "Clive."
In my dream I thought that was clever and even a pretty name, but I don't remember why. "What's her middle name?" I asked.
"You're going to love this," Sean said, so excited and proud that he was squirming around in his chair this way and that, like he does when he's driving. "It's 'Middle.' "
"What?"
"Her middle name is just the word 'Middle.' Isn't that great?"
"No! That's not funny even in a dumb way!"
But they weren't listening. Clive's fever was coming back so off the trio trooped to the freezer.
The end.

Not the most romantic thing.....

2005-08-16T09:10:00.000-07:00

....when you're on a date and you run into your mom, who is also on a date, as you're bar-hopping...

2005-07-25T11:02:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to let everyone know I'm still alive- I'll blog a lot more during the school year. A bit bummed out cuz I realized my chances of getting into UVA are about 1 in 100. Average GPA for their last incoming law class was 3.63. Mine is about 3.1. Average LSAT is 168, which is in the 98th percentile, so unless I pull about a 175, it's off to Ave Maria for me. Sigh. Can't wait to see everyone! I know the summer's almost over b/c every year around this time I have dreams about going back to school, except in my dreams I end up going back to high school & I can't figure out why exactly & no one will tell me & I just feel indignant that once again I'm wearing a plaid uniform skirt and I want to run amuck.

2005-06-27T08:45:00.000-07:00

Wow! It's been a long time. I'm on the library computer b/c there's a guy who comes into the pharmacy all the time in a wheelchair and he gave me a computer disc w/ law school stuff that he made me swear to look at and I think it gave my computer a virus. Bastard. Probably uses his wheelchair to gain trust and sympathy.
Anyway, my summer's going dandy. My lawyer got a continuance and hopefully the court date will be in the fall. He sent me the police reports wherein I discovered that they LIED!!!!!! They said they pulled me over for failing to dim my headlights to oncoming traffic.
1. There WAS NO oncoming traffic.
2. They never said ANYTHING about dimming headlights. All they said was "Do you know where the guy who owns the truck is? No one's in the car and there's blood on the floor." That's when Josh lied and that's when they decided to make me walk heel to toe.
Just trying to cover their backs. Jeesh. Lies make baby Jesus cry.

2005-06-01T10:23:00.000-07:00

Unbelievable. To think that That Anonynous College actually thinks theyhave the right to threaten someone w/ not letting him/her back b/c of a DUI and rumors of what they consider to be excessive Hilltop attendance. No rules broken, just "we think you have a problem." Anyway, of course I'll be back in August, so don't fret. I got my first IFVCHPA donation today! Yay! Follow suit, you stingy bastards! Well, I'll be flying in June 14th for my court date. Any volunteers to pick me up at LAX? Call me. 703 569-6865

2005-05-22T19:38:00.001-07:00

I am fundraising for the Impecunious Female Victims of California Highway Patrol Aggression (or the IFVCHPA, as you might know it), and funds are low. The current case we're working on is a very unfortunate young lady who's going to be paying about 3-4K and might even be in big trouble with her school. She has already quit drinking and smoking totally (5 days now) and is very determined to never again require the services we provide here at the IFVCHPA. Please be generous. As always, donations are 100% tax-deductible and earn you brownie points with God. I'll be flying out to CA next month on business, so hopefully I'll see some of you there.
Donations may be sent to:

IFVCHPA , Inc.
8105 Kenova Lane
Springfield, VA 22153

*Oh, and don't make checks out to IFVCHPA; just leave that part blank. Thanks.